A modest proposal

The following is an open letter to my friend and yours, the greatest used car dealer ever to become the Commissioner of Baseball, Allan H. "Bud" Selig, about a rule change whose time has come.

Dear Mr. Commish:

It has come to my attention that in these days of ersatz traditionalism, virtually every actual historic ballpark in baseball (and some not-so-special, but still old ones, too) has been knocked down in favor of a fake historic ballpark, one that hearkens back to traditions that never existed in a time that only happened in the imagination of the same people who would have mistaken Up With People for some sort of musical act.

This return to "traditional" baseball values has also seen a continuous onslaught against the Designated Hitter rule, which is frequently assailed by observers of all stripes, many of whom are too young to remember a time when it didn't exist. I myself am too young to remember such a time, but until today I have never called for the abolition of the Designated Hitter rule.

And I'm still not...In fact, I like the idea so much, I think it needs to be expanded. What am I talking about? I ask myself the same thing every day. But since you asked, I'll tell you. I'm talking about a rule whose time has come: The Designated Swisher Rule.

What the hell is that, you ask? I knew you would, so I came prepared with an answer. You see, a certain member club of your organization that plays in the Bronx finds itself faced with an existential crisis. Not only are people suddenly unwilling or unable to spend $2600 to watch one of 81 regular season games on a Tuesday night, but the lynchpin of their offense is currently a fiery, rotund backup first baseman/outfielder, by the name of Nick Swisher.

Where am I going with this? Wow, Mr. Commish, you ask a lot of questions...if you asked this many questions ten years ago, we could have avoided the whole steroid scandal. Here's where I'm going with this: The New York Yankees find themselves in a position where it's rather difficult to slot Mr. Swisher into the lineup each day. Xavier Nady and Mark Teixiera are both valuable assets to the team, and being forced to choose each day between one of those two fine young men and Mr. Swisher is quite the unfortunate situation. The Designated Swisher Rule would right this wrong by allowing each team the option of having Nick Swisher take the place of any one position player in the batting order. All the rules and restrictions surrounding the Designated Hitter slot, such as not being allowed to move the Designated Swisher to a regular position during the game, would still obtain.

I realize, Mr. Commish, that teams who do not have Nick Swisher will claim that this rule is unfair, and at best arbitrary and capricious. And they'll be right. But the hell with them.

Best,

Mike Jiran