Yankees Speak Out on Alleged "Empty Seats"

NEW YORK -- Responding to criticism that the Yankees have priced out many of their fans, leaving the team to play in front of thousands of empty blue seats, club president Randy Levine issued a statement claiming the empty seats are an illusion.

"It has come to my attention that some of our seats might possibly be just a little bit more expensive than people are comfortable with," Levine told reporters as he stood amongst the apparently deserted Legends seats. That's why we've been striving to provide added value for our most valued guests. All seats in the Legends Suite sections, and selected seats throughout Yankee Stadium come with a complimentary, officially licensed Yankee cloak of invisibility, and apparently some fans are so excited by this unique piece of Yankee memorabilia that they can't wait to try it on.

"It's an unfortunate misunderstanding if people think they're looking at vast swaths of empty seats, the sort of thing that might indicate a grievous overestimation on our part of how much people would be willing to spend to watch a middling baseball team. Obviously, that's not possible. We've liberated the people of the Yankee universe from the oppressive rule of old Yankee Stadium, and as such we are being treated as heroes, just as you'd expect."

Levine paused as a tumbleweed drifted by, then brought the press conference to an abrupt end. "You know something? I don't need any of you!" the former deputy mayor barked, before bursting into tears and running out of sight.