Oh, there's a ball game going on? Meh. Another "martini" that's not actually a martini, barkeep!

In his blog on the newly launched ESPN Chicago site, Nick Friedell extols the virtues of Wrigley Field's no-frills-itude and begs the Cubs to stick with it (I wasn't aware of any machinations by the Cubs to move out of Wrigley, so I'm guessing this is specifically in response to the Interactive Yankeetainment Experience).

I haven't made much of an effort over the years to hide my disdain for the newfangled oldfangled ballparks that hamfistedly blend syrupy nostalgia for a time that never existed with a host of unnecessary amenities designed to squeeze the most money possible out of "fans" who wouldn't know baseball if it jumped up and bit them in the personal-trained ass. So it should come as no surprise to anyone that I couldn't agree more. Following is a typical schedule for one of my visits to a night game at Yankee Stadium (the real one):

6:15: Emerge from 161 Street subway station...not the el, but the subway, because I'm not a sardine.

6:20: prove to surly usher that neither my cell phone nor my hat is a bomb; be allowed grudgingly into Stadium via Gate 6

6:21: Good-luck pilgrimage to Section 31, Box 323A, Seats 1 and 2 in honor of my late father.

6:25: Escalator to Tier level. Visit men's room.

6:30: Pick up hot dogs and drinks from concession stand in Section 25.

6:35ish: Arrive at seats, sooner if I'm on preferred right-field side; later if I'm on stupid left-field side with the losers.

6:40: Get tired of watching Yankeeography: Melido Perez on scoreboard. Eat aforementioned hot dog.

6:45: Lineups announced. Sit on hands for Alex Rodriguez, but refrain from booing him until he actually does something stupid (all in due time).

6:50: Stand up and take hat off for national anthem. Get in the middle of disputes between jingo idiots and people who forgot to take hats off with simple line, "What kind of free country is it if you're not free to leave your hat on?"

7:05: Baseball! Finally!

8:00: Root for D train in scoreboard train race, get really pissed if the 4 train wins.

9:05: In anticipation of another nauseating rendition (no pun intended) of God Bless America, head for the bathroom.

9:25: Cotton Eye Joe.

10:15: Yankees most likely lose because I'm in attendance. Still, a bad day at the ballpark beats a good day at the office. And I'm gone.

Notice all the amenities I made use of...let's see...a concession stand, a seat, and a urinal. That's all I ask. I know, I know. Give the Interactive Yankeetainment Experience a shot. I will. But with a heavy heart for memories paved over. And even if I grow to like the place, the fact remains: it will never be the same.